i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
