he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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