cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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