my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
