I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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