K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
