I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize