I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
