i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Randomize
