There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
