dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
