im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
