I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
