Ambien. No doubt about it.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
