someone threw a dead crab at me
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize