Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'm getting married
To pizza
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
