I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
