she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
