hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
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