her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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