Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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