Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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