my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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