Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
