you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize