My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
