Will you blow on my dice?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
