Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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