Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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