It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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