o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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