Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
