She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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