When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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