There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
