So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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