Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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