Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
