The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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