hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
