He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
and i looked up. we had an audience...
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
