Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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