Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
