my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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