if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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