So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize