what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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