I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
