3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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