I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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