I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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