sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
