After last night, I could never be a politician.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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