Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
