All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
